Wanted: Dead or Alive?

OK, so I'm talking to a dear friend about strange topics which happens to be my forte and somehow I was reminded of an odd incident that happened to me concerning the above illustrated badge.
My son, bless his heart, had a variety of problems growing up including bi-polar disorder, hyperactivity, attention deficit disorder and a touch of paranoia. Naturally, he was an interesting little fellow to say the least and my heart goes out to all the parents who have dealt and are dealing with these terrible disorders. For the record, I wish to report that he did make it to adulthood and now has two children of his own. He can and does joke about his early days and say such things as "But that was then. I'm all better now!" using that same crazy way of saying it and that weird look in his eyes as the comics use to portray criminally insane people. He's a good sport and I love him dearly.

Anyhow, he was always quite sure that the police, the sheriff's department, the DEA, the FBI, the NSA, the IRS, the KGB, Scotland Yard, the Surete, the Israeli Moussad or some other top secret entity was watching our house, just waiting to cart him off into the night never to be seen again. Why? I have no idea other than the fact that during his teenage years, he was indulging a little reefer to go along with his meds which is apparently not a good combination. So he was always telling me about strange vans and cars stalking the neighborhood using their top-secret spy equipment to look through our walls and see us in the shower, etc. Most of the time, I listened patiently to these reports and tried to debunk them as much as possible to alleviate his fears.

So one day he hisses at me from the front door and shows me a plain white van sitting across the street in the post office parking lot. He tells me that the van has been sitting there for three days and that he's quite sure that there are FBI agents in the van watching the house. Naturally, I explain that the parking lot is shady, it was very hot outside and the person or persons in the van was probably just sitting in the shade, taking a break and reading their mail. Besides, I told him in all seriousness, the driver looks like a lady and is probably the owner of a flower shop who gets a lot of mail or something. He was unconvinced.

A couple of days later, I was sitting at my typewriter, banging on the keys when I looked up and noticed a strange lady, dressed to the nines, in my yard, talking to my youngest daughter who looked quite frightened. I walked out on the front porch and caught the woman's attention and asked if I could help her.

She strode boldly across my yard and flipped out a badge.

FBI.

She gestured to the same white van across the street and told me that she had been surveilling the house for several days.

After I regained my breath and picked my stomach up off the porch, I invited her inside to talk.

Turned out a friend of mine had put in for a federal position that required a secret clearance and had given me as a reference.

I learned three important things that day:

1.) If my son says that UFO's are landing in the backyard, then it's probably time to run.

2.) We spend a lot of federal tax dollars sending FBI agents out on missions that could better be done IMHO by a couple of clerks with a good computer system.

3.) Female FBI agents do indeed look like Dana Scully.

Bait and Switch

Sometimes it is very hard to believe that people can be so naive, but it must be so since the old idea of bait and switch skuldugery still exists in this so-called enlightened age. For example, recently, I have been searching on Craig's list for a late model used car in order to buy a second car (the emergency car?). So I've looked at all these automobiles and called a hundred different places asking questions. I've wasted about $200 so far in gas and incidental expenses driving to different places to look at potential purchases. Here's what happens:

"Hello, I'm Dave. I'm calling about that 2004 Lincoln LS you have listed for $6995?"

"Oh, si, I mean yes, senor... er, sir. Just call me Gerardo. That is an excellent vehicle. Only 78,000 miles. Runs like a top. Looks great, smells good. One previous owner. I would buy it myself, but my wife won't let me. Ha, ha, ha, ha."

"Yeah, ha, ha. So have you done any maitenance on it?"

"Oh, si.. yes, sir! We do a complete 100001 point inspection. It's cherry."

"OK. So where can I find you?"

Detailed description of how to get to the lot which is located in the heart of Scary Neighborhood.

Get dressed, grab checkbook, gas up the car and take off. Get lost six times. Have to stop and eat. Spend money. Get more gas. Spend more money at convenience store on snacks and drinks because you don't know when you'll ever find your way home again. Exchange fone calls with Gerardo seventeen times. Finally, his place comes into view and I shudder to my toes.

"Ok, hey, Dave! Glad you could make it. Look, here's the key. Giver her a spin. Take your time. We put a gallon of gas in it last week."

"OK," I say taking the keys reluctantly.

The car starts up. The AC smells like it survived the Medieval Black Plague. The radio/stereo works fine. The odometer shows it has 147,000 miles on it. The sticker on the window says '2001'.

"Hey, Gerardo! I thought you said it was a 2004?"

"Oh, no, senor. We sold that car just 3o minutes before you arrived. So sorry."

"But the mileage is a bit high. How much for this one?"

"$6995 plut TT & L."

"What?! That was what you said you wanted for the newer, lower mileage car!"

"Oh, si, but this car has custom wheels and a moon roof. It has a 6 CD player and special speakers and just look at that custom wrap on the steering wheel. With a new paint job and a little TLC, this car would be mint. A bargain!"

"Oh," I say as I roll up the window and put it in drive.

Clunk. Buzz. Rattle, rattle. Clunk. Grind, bump. I think I'm at a strip club before I get back.

"Hey, Gerardo!" I say, handing him the key. "The car needs brakes. The tranny slips. The back tires are worn out. The spare is missing. The horn doesn't work. The rear-view mirror is falling off and the grill is cracked in three places."

"Oh, well, that can all be fixed," he smiles. "We have a garage out back. Besides, what do you expect. It was owned by Avis, you know?"

Oh, well. Back on the road. More gas. More snacks out of sheer frustration and disappointment.

Retirement Home

Great news! I'll be closing on my retirement home on the Lake next week. The owner accepted my offer and the title search is underway. Speaking of searches... I will have to search for the property boundaries and put up some markers. I was thinking of using that stink bait stuff for bears or moose or something. I know the neighbors are a bit close, but hey! It's Lake Property. You have to compromise when it comes to views and such. If you look close, you can see one of my soon-to-be new neighbors on his balcony, basking in the sun, enjoying the morning. I'll be able to pull my boat right up to my first floor landing and use it whenever I want. Reminds me of the canals of Venice, Italy. Maybe I should hire one of those Gondolier fellows to sing to me while I'm fishing. What do you think?

New Day!!

Retirement is indescribably delicious like eating ten pounds of chocolate with getting fat or sick! I've been waiting a long time for this day and now that it is here, I'm at a loss for words to describe the feeling of complete freedom that comes with it. It's the same feeling I used to get when I went to bed on Friday night and knew I didn't have to set the clock, but instead of only Fridays, it's every night. It's that Saturday morning feeling every morning and it's never having my Sunday spoiled by random thoughts of Monday morning. That's how it is.

Now that I'm retired, I'll have to give up my beautiful Hill Country and move once more back toward the coast and Deep East Texas 'where I come from'. I've invested in a modest lake country home (without a lake view, of course) but the water is within walking distance... not that I would walk there, but it's close. Fishing piers, boat ramp and the biggest lake in the state of Texas.
East Texas has its drawbacks of course. There are those mosquitoes that are the size of rescue helicopters that attack you on those hot, sultry afternoons and mornings, hence the need for screen porches and mosquito spray. Then of course the Gulf is not that far away and sometimes it decides to pay a visit in the form of the occasional hurricane or two. I'll be far enough away that I won't have to evacuate, but I'll be the refuge point for evacuees, which is always fun. Not that I would turn anyone away, but it's better to have people (family and friends) visit because they want to rather than have to. But I was born and raised in the woods and back to the woods I must go, once more proving the cyclical nature of life.
I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong. I'm free and it feels good!

Book Trailer Success

I finally made a book trailer which may or may not add anything to my marketing efforts or not, but it was fun. I added a link at the top of my list because I couldn't figure out how to embed it. It is beyond my limited cyberkineticauthorismscapabilities. Hope you enjoy it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvQauw4JM1w

Lost Packages Anyone?

A couple of years ago I moved. As time passed, I assumed (wrongly of course) that I had changed all my pertinent and important accounts to my new address. Weeeelll, that assumption just cost me dearly.

I made an order from an online store for a number of items and paid for them with paypal. They were to be delivered for free in two days... ahhhh, yes two days. Two weeks went by and no package. When I tracked it, I learned that it had already been delivered. However, the online store had used the shipping address at paypal which I had updated with my new address, but not quite deleted the old address.

The package was delivered to my old address where a nice lady signed for it and kept it. The on-line store said "Oh, my goodness. What a shame! That's illegal, you know. Sorry. See you. Wouldn't want to be you."

So I tried to make a complaint with UPS. No real person to contact there, of course. They wouldn't want to hear a complaint now, would they? What should I do? File charges in the city where I used to reside? Hope the 'nice lady' is arrested? Fat chance!

So I would advise everyone changing their addresses not to be careless and be sure to change everything. I mean, take an afternoon off and devote yourself to your computer and your contacts and websites, etc., etc. Or it will cost you.

HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY!!! AND A SPECIAL TIP OF THE HAT TO PADDY PUFFINGTOWNE WITH WHOM I'D LIKE TO SHARE A NIP AND SMOKE RIGHT NOW!

Rainy Days

I started out this morning and the weather immediately put me in my of a dear friend's book about rain, rain and more rain and a little mud. I was going out to look at cars, thinking maybe about making a trade-in some time in the near future. But the further I went, the colder and wetter the road became and so I turned around and came home to my warm dry house. Now I sit at my computer wondering what subject to destroy today. In looking over my sales for February, the shortest month of the year, I was quite pleased to see the final numbers though I would never dream of posting my numbers on the "How Many Have You Sold" thread at the Kindleboards forum. That would be like saying "Hey, I have $36.27 in my checking account! Nah, nah, nah, boo boo!" I mean really? What kind of thread is that? I have gone there out of curiosity to see who and how many and such and such and etceteras and have learned that most of the posts seem to come from well-meaning, law-abiding, honest citizens with numbers much like my own... I'm talking Indie Authors here, not Stephen Kings, J.K. Rowlings, mind you, but a few of the numbers I've read there are a bit hard to swallow. It's all about marketing and most of us poor Indie types do not have the means to purchase 100's of billboards across the country hawking our latest releases at the cost of several hundred thousand dollars PER MONTH. Neither can we afford television, radio and magazine adds. I was truly hoping that the Indie Spotlight website, the brainchild of Gregory Banks and Ed Patterson would boost my sales and I advertise there. Hopefully, my add has brought me a few sales more than normal. I have no way of knowing, but at least it was affordable. Now I hear that they may not be able to keep up the sight due to a lack of funding. Ahhhh, well. At least they tried and we will all keep trying, won't we? I suppose that I will keep writing wether the world ends in 2012 or not and so, there will be more Brendan Carroll works to read even for those strange and horrible scientists of the future who come poking about in the ruins of our civilization. But hey, that's just the weather talking. Cheer up! Things will get better. We'll all have health care insurance soon and be able to drive down to the government owned clinic in a government owned GMC pickup truck and die whilst waiting in line to see a government owned doctor. Yes, life is good... while it lasts. LOL. God Bless You All and God Bless America.